Align With Abraham

71. Why Do We Seek External Validation?

• Charlotte Carter

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Do you often feel like your self-worth is tied up in what other people think of you? Like you’re stuck in a loop of trying to please everyone, chasing perfection, or saying “yes” when you really want to say “no”? If you’re nodding along, this episode is for you. 💡

I'm talking all about external validation - what it is, how it sneaks into our lives, and why it’s such a heavy weight to carry. I’ll share a personal story about my old obsession with racking up achievements and how it masked deeper struggles with self-esteem and belonging. Spoiler: there’s hope for all of us! 🙌

Together, we’ll unpack how these habits can hold us back - and, more importantly, how to break free. We’re talking self-awareness, mindfulness, and all the goodness that comes with reclaiming your personal power. Imagine finding joy in the present, celebrating your wins (big or small), and showing yourself the love you truly deserve.

Think of this episode as your pep talk for building a life where self-care and joy take centre stage. It’s about embracing your one-of-a-kind brilliance and learning to cherish your worth, not because someone else said so, but because you did.

Ready to step into your power? Let’s do this! 🎉

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Speaker 1:

The beautiful thing is that we get to change, we get to understand ourselves, we get to see and really embody what it is that has prompted that behavior and shine a light on it and heal it from the inside out. Hello and welcome to another episode of Embody your Energy. I am delighted to bring this episode to you. Today. We are talking all about how and why do we seek external validation? So let me put this into context. This is where you ask others to validate parts of your behaviour and your choices and your decisions. It is extremely closely linked to people pleasing. It's extremely closely linked to having poor boundaries. It's extremely closely linked to the whole perfectionist thread and it's very much entwined with the not feeling good enough thread. So if you have seen signs of yourself in any of those other elements, then please do keep listening, because this is a big one, this is a deep one and this is where a lot of people give their power away or their intentions away to other things, other situations, things externally to themselves. So it's like externally to themselves. So it's like the opposite of embodiment. It's like give it away. I'm not having it in any way, shape or form and I'm not going to be in a space to actually receive it in a way that feels good as well. So let's talk through what this might look like. So it might look like the pattern that I had, which was I was out to prove the teachers at school that I was good enough. You know, they told me that I wasn't going to come to anything, and so I was really in the space of do you know what I'm going to show them. I was in that kind of like you just watch me type of energy, and it's an interesting place to be. So I went and collected multiple, multiple qualifications. I didn't realise this is what I was doing until the last kind of like five or six years, when I started working on myself and realised all of these things. That came much more to a forefront when I turned into the whole world of entrepreneurship, because you get to look at yourself in many ways when you are working for yourself. And so I collected various qualifications that were externally validating to me that I was good enough. Look, I've got this health degree. Look, I've got this counselling qualification. Look, I've got this transformational life coaching diploma. Look, I'm a personal trainer. Look, I'm a positive psychology coach, and that is fabulous on so many levels because it's allowed me to build this business that I absolutely adore.

Speaker 1:

But the pattern was always about seeking external validation and I hadn't realized for me personally that it was very much threaded with the whole people pleaser element. And when you're in the people pleaser pattern, you're giving away what you desire to other people, so you're validating them before yourself. So there's an external validation marriage, shall we say with other people before yourself. For example, say there's four of you going out for dinner. You're deciding where you're going to go for something to eat. They all want to go to Italian. You don't really like Italian, but you just go, yeah, whatever. That's when you are allowing yourself to not even say oh, I don't really like Italian, can we pick somewhere else To just go? Yeah, it's okay, the three of you want to go to Italian, so I'll just go, and so they are in the space where they are affecting who you really are.

Speaker 1:

So there's a piece around the people pleasing with external validation that sits slightly different. It's when you just say yes, yes, yes to everything. Um, whether you want to do it or not, people ask you to go and watch a film at the cinema. You don't really want to go, but you say yes. People ask you to get on a call with them to do some um, skill swapping or something like that, and you say yes and you don't really want to do it, those kind of things.

Speaker 1:

So it's also very closely linked with poor boundaries, the inability to say no, no, that's not for me, or no, not at the moment, or just no, which is a whole other episode. But why people seek validation is because somewhere inside of them, subconsciously, energetically, somewhere in their life, there is, there are pieces missing, there are gaps that they feel they would like to fill. So it can be very closely linked to self-esteem. It can be very closely linked to self-esteem. It can be very closely linked to low self-worth. It can be very closely linked to understanding yourself and just wanting to fit in. This is how you spot it within yourself. You may be like me, collecting lots of qualifications. You may be in the entrepreneurial space and buying lots of courses, trying lots of strategies, jumping from coach to coach to coach. You may be like that. That might be part of your pattern.

Speaker 1:

The other element that comes in is it's around asking people for advice. So you're running your business or you're running your life or you're opening to doing something completely different and you're excited and it feels really good and it's like an adventure, like you know what I might do this, whatever this is. And you tell a friend and they're like really, do you really want to do that? And you tell another friend, they're like really do you really want to do that? And you tell another friend, they're like what are you really going to pay for to do that? And all of a sudden you're like, oh, maybe I won't, okay, yeah, no, maybe they're right. And this is when you are allowing external validation to affect your behaviors, your ways of thinking.

Speaker 1:

We also have external validation for some of us that absolutely love praise. Absolutely love it. They can't get enough of it, they just want more and more, more of it and they thrive on it and they go out of their way to seek praise. So they go above and beyond. So there's an element of over delivering, so that they will seek praise and remember. Some of these things are conscious, some of them are subconscious. Um, some of them are energetic, some you will be aware of, some not. The praising. One is in the over delivering, over over in everything, over promising, and, again, that's seeking some validation, that you're good enough or that you are confident or that you are capable in some way, shape or form, and so that's another pattern of seeking, seeking praise from others.

Speaker 1:

Now, the wonderful thing about these elements of our personality, of our psyche, of how we show up in the world, is that once we become aware of them and some of you will become aware by listening to what I'm saying you'll be like, oh, hang on a minute, I have elements of that going on. Some of you may be aware, like that, some of you may have an inkling, and some of you may not be aware at all. And I'm sowing the seed of the awareness to rise within you for you to look at, if you choose to. The beautiful thing is that we get to change, we get to understand ourselves, we get to see and really embody what it is that has prompted that behavior and shine a light on it and heal it from the inside out. So, on a broader level, it can be like very clearly a part of self-esteem, so that you just don't feel great about yourself, so that you'd like other people to boost you.

Speaker 1:

So, internally, the piece around feeling good about yourself is understanding what actually allows you and brings you joy, and doing more of that, and one of the key things with this is mindfulness activities being present in the moment, not seeking too far ahead or looking too much in the past, being in the moment, being in the energy of the here and now and owning that with all of your capabilities. And doing things that you just love, from very small things like having a hot drink that you really love and just sitting for 10 minutes nourishing it, allowing it to warm you from the inside out and really savoring the taste that can allow you to really feel good and boost this self-esteem. Also, making decisions without telling anyone, without asking anyone, they can allow you to feel good. They can build your inner confidence muscle like never before, allowing yourself to be open to what it's like when you carry out things that allow you to feel good, that don't have an end goal, like there's no achievement at the end of it. You're just doing it because it feels good. That's a massive, radical change for people when they're working on this particular external validation, because building yourself inside when you're not seeking anything else is by far the quickest, the fastest way to overcome this kind of presentation of yourself and navigate yourself so that you feel super strong inside, you feel super resilient, you are empowered, you feel brave and courageous and you're able to do all of the things on so many levels and be able to navigate life like never before. Understanding that is so so powerful to be able to navigate this growth piece that you may or may not be being shown as you listen to this episode. So let's celebrate what internal validation may look like.

Speaker 1:

Now. Let me just caveat that we all love praise. We all love people to say well done, you're great, keep going. There's an element of that that's really healthy. So we're never like not having any external validation or external praise for us, because we do love it, but not it's not. We're not dependent on it, we're not relying on it. It's not something that we're out seeking. It's something like it's great when it comes and we massively appreciate it, but we can build the muscle and the flow and the relationship with ourselves that we're like hey, do you know what? I am absolutely on fire and I'm owning it. Do you know what? I'm celebrating the growth step by step, breath by breath, and I am so absolutely enjoying what I'm learning about myself practices that you can create for yourself that allow you to really be able to understand how to navigate this on multiple, multiple, multiple levels.

Speaker 1:

So let's just do a two-minute check-in with ourselves as you're listening, so just for the next two minutes, I just want you to think about the words that I'm saying, to see where you are on this seeking external validation piece. Is there anything that's coming up for you and what are the pieces that I feel really great for you and what are the pieces that may require a little bit of water, a little bit of nurture and a little bit of growth? And if you want to know more about any of this and any ways that you can do more of this work, then please do follow the link to the website below and have a look around and see whether any of the programs that I offer are the kind of thing that would help you and feel good for you. So I'm just going to go on a. You are absolutely brilliant rampage and I want you to just listen and see what comes up for you.

Speaker 1:

So imagine a space where life went as well as it possibly could. When everything was going your way, you felt your healthiest self, your wealthiest self. In fact, it felt absolutely divine. There were so many opportunities of greatness. There was opportunities of possibilities for the future.

Speaker 1:

There were really great opportunities and avenues for real success on multiple levels and in your heart there was so much love, so much wholeness, so much completeness, so much pure satisfaction and devotion to yourself. So much love, so much happiness and joy and bliss, so much self-acceptance, so much capacity for more, the ability to be grounded in the present, to be able to be everything you are, and so much more to be able to own all of those things that make you uniquely brilliant on so many levels. And to remember to nurture yourself first, to fill your heart first, to practice owning who you really are first and knowing that everything you desire will come after. That pattern has been absolutely overflowed with love, joy, appreciation and everything in between. So allow yourself to bask in the glory of everything that you are all the understanding we are forever growing, we are all energy in motion, forever growing, forever changing, forever adapting and knowing and holding in your heart that true, true love that you really are and being able to allow that to come into your life on so many levels is absolutely sensational, remarkable and what you are here for.

Speaker 1:

Have a wonderful, wonderful day evening. Whatever time you are listening to this, please let me know if it resonates. I would love to know and ask me any questions. Dm me on Instagram or send me an email and I will come back to you. If anything comes up for you that you will have any questions on, please do reach out, take care of yourself, have a fabulous time and look after yourself. You are important and powerful and absolutely deserving of everything in this lifetime and so much more.

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Charlotte Carter

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